Where have I been?…

First, I am so sorry for just disappearing.  Many of you supported me and followed me and I owe that to you.

Aside from cancer I suffer from anxiety… BAD curl up in a ball, hide from the world, ignore texts and phone calls anxiety.  I’ve had this issue since I was little and as an adult it seems more crippling than ever, especially after all that cancer “stuff”.

I plan to pick up where I left off, but there has just been SO much that has happened and I want to be able to cover everything.

When I started this blog I had hoped to be able to keep up with it and share updates about everything from daily struggles in the life of a cancer patient, cold capping, surgeries, and the main goal – overcoming it all.

But as you could imagine, it was impossible.

I was hospitalized several times over the course of my treatment because of reactions, infections, and of course my usual bad luck.  I joked often that my middle name should be side effect because that 1% of people they always say it will affect, well… You are looking at your 1%!

Back to the anxiety…. Throughout all of this it was very difficult to just feel well enough to function normally, hell, I still have my days where I can’t leave my bed because of the fatigue and depression (yes, depression – I’ll cover this often in future posts)

Most days I have one goal, to get up and shower.

I’m sure you are thinking… really? That’s ALL you can do? Yes. And you can’t even imagine how much effort that takes.

My anxiety has my mind overrun with things that I haven’t done, should be doing, and feel like I won’t ever be able to do and all of these thoughts and fears paralyze me.  It’s really crazy to me how much anxiety can affect someone and that’s honestly what has kept me away from writing for so long.

Thoughts of sounding stupid, thoughts of judgement, thoughts of not being able to live up to expectations and disappointing people.

While I am now proud to officially call myself a SURVIVOR, it’s not over yet.  These last few months have really opened me up to how big this fight really is and everything it entails.

Physical, emotional, and mental wellness are just parts of this whole thing and I plan to cover it all.

I plan to share my experience with cold capping, and the support group that I founded that really gave me the motivation to help others and keep on going.

My struggles with mental well-being and how I don’t feel that enough people give a damn about it and why it’s SO IMPORTANT.

… and of course the cancer, how can I forget that monster and everything that its taught me.

I’m glad to be back, and hope to be more consistent (it’s something I’m working on with myself).

 

xo

BeccaJean

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